ABOVE: The GAy Rights Danger Index (GARDI)
CAMBRIDGE—Roman Catholic priests are seriously fucking things up for the entire gay rights movement, according to a new study released Monday.
Harvard’s School of Sociological Sciences found that, among other things, approximately 33% percent of the priesthood is setting 99% percent of the gay population back several decades with their rampant molestation of 17% percent of alter boys.
The team found that the Gay Rights Danger Index (GARDI) escalated from the minimal “not too bad” level to the familiar “minor setback” point soon after the election of George W. Bush, but rapidly exceeded the “oh shit” level when news first broke of alter boy molestation and constitutional anti-gay amendments. It was the first time the GARDI reached “oh shit” status since the AIDS epidemic of the 1980’s.
But, once another then another priest started touching more and more boys, the GARDI skyrocketed to the unprecedented “serious fuckup” point, causing the entire gay population to smack their foreheads reflexively.
The level has yet to reach the “we’re all screwed” point, but the study suggests that that if a federal gay marriage amendment were to pass, this would be the case.
“We discovered a trend in our research: people who are insecure about their sexuality end up doing stupidly insane things that set back the entire gay society,” said Harvard’s study leader John Benton.
“They join the priesthood to get away from gay feelings only to discover that they won’t go away by finding any amount of Jesus, God, or just plain willing them away. In the end they end up expressing their sexualities in the wrong ways, causing serious setbacks for the entire gay population, as reflected by the GARDI level,” he said.
They claim that religion’s non-acceptance of homosexuality creates more problems than if they were to just accept it as natural.
“If these priests, who went into the church for the wrong reasons, were just accepted as they were when they, themselves, were teenagers, they’d grow up normal, and none of us would have to deal with this bullshit,” said GLAAD representative Jack Daubert.
The recent exclusion of homosexual priests from the priesthood created a considerable reaction in the GARDI, causing the index to drop slightly back to “oh shit” status, due partially to the relief that less molestations might occur, but partially to the outrage of the decision’s inherent bigotry.
It is expected to remain warily within “oh shit” limits until a Democratic president is elected.