AUSTIN—Texas legislators are proposing a statewide constitutional ban to end same-sex everything—just in case.
The amendment, entitled Proposition 96, would effectively forbid any government entity from ever endorsing anything that would ever involve two members of the same sex doing anything together that would otherwise be their business.
Representative Warren P. Bailey (R-Pampa) claims that, “banning same-sex marriage just isn’t enough. Guys are still [going to] do each other in the seat, and once that starts happening, they’re going to do it more and more, and then more people are going to join in, and then it’ll be one big orgy… a really big, throbbing, hot orgy, especially with everyone sweating under the hot Texas sun while feeling up each other’s—basically, it would be bad. We need something more.”
The bill claims that its actions are purely precautionary. "I really need to get passed just in case those crafty homos find a way around me," said an animated Proposition 96 cartoon character during a Sunday's Republican rally at Turn-or-Burn Baptist Church, "and all those alternative families need to stop relying on the government for assistance and focus on God for guidance instead."
Many, however, claim that the wording of the amendment is ambiguous.
"Single parent families where there is a child being raised by his biological father and his uncle, or a daughter being raised by her mother and her sister may be affected when they’re unable to receive funding," says John DeNoonez (D-Austin). "Clearly, even the most basic of activities would be affected, such as father/son talks about growing up."
But proponents of the amendment claim that it would help eliminate all homoerotic areas of society, furthering the strength of the failing idea of the nuclear family.
Yet even Republican critics of the law throw caution to its drafters, "The dangers of outlawing everything remotely homosexual are clear: we would lose some great American sports, like football and wrestling—all of which are same-sex and really, really gay," said a small-town dissenter, "I mean look at football—tons of guys prancing around smacking each others’ butts? And wrestling… hah!"
Other states have attempted to pass similarly broad statutes. Alabama recently proposed Proposition 777, a measure to outlaw anything “science-like” being taught in classrooms, while Georgia lawmakers are slated to examine the Butt Clarification Act, which would require women to obtain written approval from their spouses before they “try any of that butt stuff.”
California, on the other hand, recently attempted to pass a law permitting homosexuals to wed, gaining an overwhelming majority of congressional support, only to be vetoed by governor Schwarzenegger, citing judicial intervention would be better than something as simple as the elected representatives deciding the issue.
Texans are scheduled to vote on Proposition 96 in November.
Based on Proposition 2, a constitutional amendment to prohibit anything resembling a same-sex union.